Sports Desk: Frustrated by New Challenges, Coach Prime Picks Up a Disturbing Habit

By Ricky Monaco

Really sad stuff coming from CU football, folks. Inside sources tell us that behind the scenes, Coach Deion Sanders has been far from the charismatic leader we know him as, giving into dangerous behaviors that could potentially be the undoing of one of the biggest stories in college sports these past few years. And trust me, it’s worse than you thought. Multiple anonymous reports have circulated of Coach Prime constantly beatboxing the drum fill from Phil Collins’ eighties hit “In the Air Tonight” at random intervals, a habit that has confounded and disturbed many in his inner circle.

“He’s out of control,” said one anonymous member of his coaching staff. “The team will be running pop pass drills or the Tunnel of Truth and Prime will just be off in the corner walking back and forth and going ‘DUN DUN doon doon DUN DUN dum dum DOON DOON’ over and over again. He’s not watching his players, he’s not giving them instruction, it’s like he doesn’t even care about the team.”

Left without Sanders’ son Shedeur and two-way phenom Travis Hunter, it’s no secret that the Buffaloes are in somewhat of an identity crisis, and while the team has seen success against lower-level competition, including a triumph against FBS newbies Delaware, Colorado is off to a rocky start between a season-opening fall to Georgia Tech and a sixteen-point loss to Houston. These results clearly have not been enough for Sanders as he attempts to turn around a once flailing program.

One returning player we caught up with in the locker room, who also requested to remain anonymous, commented on this.

“The team had a great thing going last season and time will only tell if we can replicate it. But I just don’t get what the beatboxing is all about. He’ll be giving us a pep talk and then trail off and say ‘You gotta hear this’ and do that damn drum fill, and then he won’t be able to remember what he was talking about. Now I get it, that song’s iconic, but you’ve got more important stuff on your hands.”

When asked for his opinions on Phil Collins in general, our interviewee had this to say.

“I like him. Solid singer, good drummer. When I’m in Walgreens and I hear ‘Sussudio,’ there’s no better feeling. People say him stepping up to the mic ruined Genesis, I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

A teammate passing by let us know his feelings on the matter with a quick and simple “Fuck that.”

For a closer look on how this has been impacting Coach Prime’s personal life, we reached out to one of his closest confidants, the Aflac duck, who was brave enough to give us his testimony.

“I frankly don’t know what’s gotten into him,” the duck said. “I always took Deion for more of a Roger Waters guy.”

In other sports news, what the hell does Ralphie eat? If you guessed leftover egg salad and Women and Gender Studies papers, you’d be right. More on that story later.