MISSION STATEMENT
Welcome to the CU Jump, the newest, funniest newspaper on campus, operated out of Muenzinger basement’s basement—room E0054, to be exact. The rattling door isn’t actually demons, it’s our very own Gutenberg printing press, screwing away at an Aramaic translation of Kapital. It’ll be a while before we can institute a print edition of this paper as a result (thanks for your patience).
We’re going to preface this statement by saying we definitely do not represent the positions of the university. Quite to the contrary, we’d go as far as to say we are directly opposed to many of said positions, or as we’d argue, lack thereof. CU Boulder is not merely devoid of comedy, jokes, and laughter, it’s an institution dedicated to suppressing all dissenting voices and uplifting only what is immediately profitable. Here, at the Jump, we’re going to take those voices seriously; there is no time or place to which free speech can be designated (we’re looking at you, free speech hour, 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. at the UMC Fountain Court). We’re going to indulge ourselves in what shouldn’t be an indulgence: silliness, we’re going to rhyme a little, because we have whimsy and we hope it all makes a couple people mad and a couple more laugh. So, don’t be a lump, read the Jump.
At least we hope you’ll read the Jump. We can’t guarantee anything.
CU Boulder, again, does have a reputation for being unfunny. This is according to a survey conducted by us of its comedic output, which is notably 0, in whichever metric one measures this kind of thing. We hope to improve upon the legacy of our failed predecessors, whom we know, admittedly, very little about. We believe that this is a necessary space to occupy, and thus we shall follow in those shallow footsteps and maybe do better. We can guarantee we’ll consistently produce quality content with these points of trust, as listed below:
Points of trust:
1. We don’t have any editorial oversight
2. None of our dads have experience writing comedy
3. We have a mission statement
Hopefully, dear reader, you trust us now and we can get to writing. Let us know if you have any complaints, we don’t necessarily care. As a compromise, we’ll set up a mailbox somewhere and not tell you. Happy reading, and good luck finding it.
- Schwartz Moves House After Jump Correspondent Shows up to $3.75 Million Chautauqua Mansion
In continuing our psychosexual obsession with Chancellor Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz, we break another story to add context to a story broken weeks ago: Widely decried across the campus community, CU decided in 2024 to purchase a second mansion for the new chancellor under the guise of it being a wise real estate investment. The previous… Read more: Schwartz Moves House After Jump Correspondent Shows up to $3.75 Million Chautauqua Mansion - CU Facilities Management Endorses Hitler, Himmler, and Goering for CUSG Tri-Executive
In a recent spat over the Ekeley Kiosque on central campus, indigenous sovereignty activists and Nazis tested the limits of CU Boulder’s apoliticism. According to our on-campus agitative propaganda correspondants, events occured somewhat as follows: Patriot Front members—maybe embedded in CU’s Turning Point USA chapter if the scandal with Nathaniel Ellis, TPUSA secretary and victim… Read more: CU Facilities Management Endorses Hitler, Himmler, and Goering for CUSG Tri-Executive - Chancellor Schwartz is Experimenting With His Pronouns
Chancellor Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz is seemingly aware the student body is not enamored with his ChatGPT-informed, “someone’s dad” vibes. This perception of him surely influences the way people interact with him, causing them to assume he appreciates slang words being defined for him in the middle of conversation or has strong interests in craft beer,… Read more: Chancellor Schwartz is Experimenting With His Pronouns - PRESS! The Marginalization of Imperial Journalism 🙁
We would like to preface this article by saying we absolutely respect the journalistic efforts of our peers at CU Boulder. We absolutely appreciate the work of basically all Radio1190 and CU Independent (CUI) reporters who cover important topics on our campus. It was out of this fervent respect, appreciation—and yes, even love— for our… Read more: PRESS! The Marginalization of Imperial Journalism 🙁 - In the Midst of Black History Month, Abraham Lincoln Once Said: Am Yisrael ChaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiJustin “J-Dolla” Schwartz was back out there on Tuesday being an inspiration to other socially-challenged engineers by giving a speech in front of people. Problem was: the speech was utter dogshit. Introduced by his best friend (apparently), Dr. Reiland Rabaka, Schwartz was on his home turf. With the land acknowledgement complete, everyone “grounded” and “reminded… Read more: In the Midst of Black History Month, Abraham Lincoln Once Said: Am Yisrael Chaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii