Category: The Jump CU
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Schwartz Moves House After Jump Correspondent Shows up to $3.75 Million Chautauqua Mansion
In continuing our psychosexual obsession with Chancellor Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz, we break another story to add context to a story broken weeks ago: Widely decried across the campus community, CU decided in 2024 to purchase a second mansion for the new chancellor under the guise of it being a wise real estate investment. The previous…
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CU Facilities Management Endorses Hitler, Himmler, and Goering for CUSG Tri-Executive
In a recent spat over the Ekeley Kiosque on central campus, indigenous sovereignty activists and Nazis tested the limits of CU Boulder’s apoliticism. According to our on-campus agitative propaganda correspondants, events occured somewhat as follows: Patriot Front members—maybe embedded in CU’s Turning Point USA chapter if the scandal with Nathaniel Ellis, TPUSA secretary and victim…
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Chancellor Schwartz is Experimenting With His Pronouns
Chancellor Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz is seemingly aware the student body is not enamored with his ChatGPT-informed, “someone’s dad” vibes. This perception of him surely influences the way people interact with him, causing them to assume he appreciates slang words being defined for him in the middle of conversation or has strong interests in craft beer,…
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PRESS! The Marginalization of Imperial Journalism 🙁
We would like to preface this article by saying we absolutely respect the journalistic efforts of our peers at CU Boulder. We absolutely appreciate the work of basically all Radio1190 and CU Independent (CUI) reporters who cover important topics on our campus. It was out of this fervent respect, appreciation—and yes, even love— for our…
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In the Midst of Black History Month, Abraham Lincoln Once Said: Am Yisrael Chaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz was back out there on Tuesday being an inspiration to other socially-challenged engineers by giving a speech in front of people. Problem was: the speech was utter dogshit. Introduced by his best friend (apparently), Dr. Reiland Rabaka, Schwartz was on his home turf. With the land acknowledgement complete, everyone “grounded” and “reminded…
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UMC Installs TSA-Style Security System to Counter Rising Terrorism
To any closeted homies worried about their explicit photos being leaked by that guy they probably shouldn’t have given their mom’s Facebook friend list to… fear not: Montez Butts, director of the University Memorial Center, already knows how big your penis is. Without telling anyone, the UMC has installed 100 million dollar—or however much this…
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Breaking: Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz is Relatable
Chancellor Justin Schwartz is down with the kids—not in that kind of way, of course, he would never… and recently visited Dr. Reiland Rabaka’s hip hop studies class and was pictured intently participating in class discussion. Press made an event of this by taking some 600 photos from every angle of Schwartz thoughtfully contributing to…
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World News: Belgium Joins ICJ Case Against Israel… AGAINST Israel… And a Conversation With a Flemish Nazi
In shocking news, Belgium, a western European nation famous for waffles, chocolate, and its perpetration of several genocides throughout its history of being one of the world’s most evil nations, has joined South Africa’s case in the International Court of Justice accusing Israel of committing genocide in Gaza. Following a 1948 cesarean section that brought…
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City Council Candidates Murdered in Cold Blood by Terrorist Mob
After speaking for a combined four hours and seventeen minutes at a recent campus rally, failed Boulder City Council candidates Aaron Stone and Rob Smoke were stoned to death by a violent and dangerous mob consisting of members of the CU Boulder chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) and their terrorist supporters. A…
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CU’s Department of Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences Has a Plan to Avoid Trump Admin’s Ire
A beacon to the scientific prowess of the city of Boulder, the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) Mesa Laboratory proudly overlooks town from its perch beneath the Flatirons. Though it may appear to be just another one of I.M. Pei’s Minecraft bases scattered across the world, the Boulder NCAR lab is one of the…
