DHS Has Deported One CU Student From Every Latin American Country and Puerto Rico

The Jump has uncovered shocking details on what appears to be some kind of “deportation bingo” being played by the Department of Homeland Security on CU Campus. 

One of our reporters was walking to class one day and overheard some men in hoodies discussing how there was only one Latin American country left on their card, that being Belize. Also wearing a hoodie, our reporter joined their huddle and asked them what was going on. The ICE agents gave him a bingo card and proceeded to divulge their entire operation voluntarily. It was a remarkable happenstance—and a remarkable feat of journalism—and we commend this reporter for his work here. 

The ICE agents disclosed they were here to apprehend and deport “alien students,” their mission: catching one international student from each country in Central and South America. One of them boasted he’d “got [sic] an alien” to be sent back to Puerto Rico, a U.S. territory, “where he belongs.” 

Their cheerful comradery in this work could be admired, but it’s also seeming like there may be reason to fear the chaotic impunity of our authorities, who seem to be not putting very much deliberation into where they exert their power. It betrays our journalistic calling to veer into conjecture, but maybe the mass hiring of underqualified but thoroughly bloodthirsty candidates may be requiring the implementation of gamification into ICE operations to maintain the interest of its YouTube Shorts-addicted agents. Whether it be standard quotas or bingo-ification, it is becoming clear that our community has a problem on its hands.