Organizers and activists in the Boulder area are now being required to answer for the deeply disturbing revelations that have rocked the community ever since a study conducted the Jump’s Office of Statistics and Theoretical Circlejerkery uncovered that a shocking 95% of individuals active in leftist action campaigns were not able to cogently define the difference between Marxism-Leninism-Maoism and Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Gonzalo Thought.
Things turned for the worse when the seventy-page document containing all the findings was published to the Students for a Democratic Society Discord server by a user who further investigation revealed to be Bigfoot’s son. A keyboard war ensued before the Discord server disappeared entirely, but not before the roles “right deviationist,” “feudal cockroach” and “revisionist pig” were assigned to members of the chat.
The study also tested a group of TPUSA members on the differences between these two schools of leftist thinking and found that they were more likely to be able to differentiate MLM and MLMG Thought based on sheer randomness.
Dean of Students, Associate Vice Chancellor of Student Life, and Dark Lord’s Henchman, Devin Cramer, was attempting to shut down a meeting of a Marxist reading group this past week, but when he arrived at the advertised location in the bowels of Hale Sciences, no one was there save one of our field reporters intending to scoop the latest vibes on the schism. The two of them had to combine their intellects to escort each other out of the building, getting lost several times and needing to use a window to finally escape.
Editor’s note: We are saddened to say that this reporter was one of the individuals who was not aware of the difference between Marxism-Leninism-Maoism and Marxism-Leninism-Gonzalo Thought. He has been disposed of in a manner befitting any—it disgusts me just to type it—Bordigist: seppuku by bear. The Jump apologizes for the grave mistake we have made.
El Diario de la Gente 
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