Investigative reporting at the Jump is of the highest caliber, so we asked the Buff Bot chatbot on CU’s “Division of Student Life” website what the “Division of Student Life” even is. It gave us an answer that was vague enough to apply both to your high school drug dealer and a volunteer pediatrician rescuing children from famine and war. But it is difficult to realize the impact of the “Division of Student Life”—or even its jurisdiction and definition—given the current state of student life on CU Campus. With CU revoking housing and food from students for exercising their free speech rights, mental health services crippled by the Regents and Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz’s budget priorities, and out of control Greek organization, it’s becoming clear CU promotes “student life” conditionally. This begs the question: what does the Division of Student Life even mean… and what do the people in charge of it even do?
If nothing else, Dean of Students and Assistant Vice Chancellor for Student Life, Devin Cramer, is highly dedicated to doing his job. And verbal about that, too. If you catch him hard at work one day, he’ll let you know that all he’s ever trying to do is this “job” of his. However, it seems this dedication is not merely performative, but that it’s also a shield that Mr. Cramer employs whenever he is confronted for fulfilling any lame, embarrassing, or fascistic components of his job description, allowing him to hide behind a curtain of titles and bureaucracy. “Don’t worry,” he seems to exclaim, “I’m merely following orders, I’m but a cog in the machine!”
It is likely that no one ever informed him that Nazis who incessantly claimed they had merely been following were nonetheless hanged for being just what they were… Nazis who had committed crimes against humanity. A hitman is a murderer, an economist is an evil bastard, and a podiatrist is most certainly satisfying their foot fetish.
So clearly, to be employed or not to be is not where one’s contribution to society ends, and a “job” is not merely the concept of a job: it’s quite tangible. Some philosophe, smoldering in a café somewhere, might get pissed with me about that last bit, because how reactionary of me to assume society is real. But, they can argue with me about it after they’ve settled the pressing issue of the age of consent. A “job” is the work someone does, and that work can have real consequences. Just as any thief is held personally responsible for attempting to materially gain by way of their profession, any SS, U.S., or Galactic Empire Stormtroopers hoping for better futures must be responsible for the harm they inflict in the name of self interest. Severing someone’s violent work from their “job” severs them from their responsibility. It allows them to discard, deflect, and continue to uphold violent systems such as the shoe insert industrial complex without blemish to their conscience.
Herein lies the paradox of Devin Cramer and his employment: he is so dedicated, so resolutely steadfast in his pursuit of “the job,” yet he is entirely evasive about assuming responsibility for the culmination of his work. Thus he deflects the consequences of his work onto his orders, the task at hand, “my job.”
Does Mr. Cramer feel shame going about his daily tasks of chasing students around campus for mentioning Palestine, harassing students for protesting “too loudly” per CUUF Policy, or evicting students from their housing for saying mean things to a missile company? It is likely. And, maybe that’s why he feels the need to shield himself behind his list of titles, His Radiance the Dean of Students, Associate Vice Chancellor for Student Life, Lord Custodian in Chief of the Center for Community, Hochmeister der Knights des Studentischengagementeinsatzteam, Ordained Arbiter of the Laws of Ralphie and Man, Grand Wizard of the Order of the Buffalo, and “Shiniest One.” But we have reason to believe there’s something else at stake for him.
Devin Cramer is no mere paper-pusher… well, he is, but not with regards to Boulder SJP. The Jump has investigated Mr. Cramer’s motivations for so vigorously pursuing their activities, and what we’ve found constructs a more complete picture of the rather wobbly and nondescript figure of Devin Cramer, who may appear an archetypal bureaucrat but is in reality much more of a deliberate actor.
Mr. Cramer is pathologically obsessed with Boulder SJP. He mutters lists of names as he walks from place to place, according to multiple sources. We sent an undercover reporter to gather more on this and instructed them to bump into Cramer as he was on his way to an SJP protest and maybe pickpocket a few goodies off of him for further investigation—again, classy journalism. This “Operation Oops, My Bad” revealed that Mr. Cramer keeps what appeared to be flash cards scribbled with biographical data on suspected SJP members. He had been reviewing these cards instead of watching where he was going, making the pickpocketing only easier, but our reporter, as it turns out, was not a very adept thief and didn’t make off with anything but one of the cards. This one was mostly empty save for “Thunder Thighs??” written on the blank side. One of the Student Engagement Response Team radios would have been very useful.
What’s more is Devin Cramer has liberally given clues to any staffers who will listen to him about his obsession with SJP. He has written at least one haiku about his hatred for the organization and has been found replaying his own body camera footage from protest interactions late into the night in his office. He has also stated that he will not stop—nor will he rest—until SJP had been “vanquished,” to use the term he reportedly used before pounding on his desk with a clenched fist in an act of defiant punctuation. This conversation had taken place while he was asking a student aide for coffee following one of his all-night investigative benders.
Devin Cramer doesn’t regret his actions, he may merely be deflecting his investment in crushing Boulder SJP by using the “following orders” defense because he doesn’t want to be perceived as single-minded or even parasocial when interacting with protesters.
With regards to his motivations behind this obsession, Cramer is not manic nor does he have a disordered personality. Instead, we believe that his failed attempts to start a White Guys for Obama chapter at Western Washington University may have instilled in him a hatred for student activism that has driven his entire career path up until now. However, this assessment is borderline psychoanalytic and here at the Jump, we are scientists… not English majors. Maybe Mr. Cramer does just genuinely love Israel, maybe he does just love his job. What is certain is that he is no clueless actor.
Every supposed cog in the machine has a choice. Well, maybe we should’ve consulted one of the English majors who can write because that statement does not work on pretty much every level. Its essence is true, though. Literally, a machine is well integrated and none of its parts are sentient, but human societies are no “machine.” Being a cog is only a metaphor, and the people in positions of power can and should develop consciences… and maybe do a little of what folks are calling “the right thing.” Forgive us for overstepping journalistic apoliticism with this suggestion.
In recent news, following the implementation of CU policy against white guys for the first time in historical memory, we haven’t seen Dean Cramer and are beginning to get concerned about his well-being. Phi Kappa Sigma’s suspension as a student organization comes as a surprise amidst CU’s climate of tolerance of a flourishing rape culture and soft responses to violent conduct originating in Greek organizations. At the Jump, we understand this tolerance because who else but Californian failsons are going to fund the university billowing electrical bills? But, the white man may have struck again and Devin Cramer may have been forced into hiding for the time being.
In the name of civility, we hope to see him back in action soon, but in the meantime, free speech may be allowed on campus while Sauron’s eye is elsewhere. However, so our compound in Muenzinger Double Basement is not raided again, we condemn any and all students who intend on exercising this supposed right and do not encourage any journalistic, anti-government, anti-imperialist, anti-capitalist, CU-critical, race and gender critical, or Deion Sanders-critical speech.
El Diario de la Gente 
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