City Council Candidates Murdered in Cold Blood by Terrorist Mob

After speaking for a combined four hours and seventeen minutes at a recent campus rally, failed Boulder City Council candidates Aaron Stone and Rob Smoke were stoned to death by a violent and dangerous mob consisting of members of the CU Boulder chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) and their terrorist supporters.

A witness, who wished to remain anonymous for their own safety, reported seeing red triangles appear on the heads of the two men roughly two hours into their respective speeches, which had left many audience members in a disengaged and half-lucid stupor. Visible unrest erupted in the crowd around the three hour and thirty five minute mark, with numerous SJP members beginning to load their automatic rifles and grumble loudly.

Eight hours later, the two men’s corpses were found in the middle of Farrand Field with “WHITE GENOCIDE” sharpied across their bare ass cheeks. 

When asked for comment on the incident, City Councillor-elect Nicole Speer replied, “Who?”

The two men are survived by a loose cohort of at least seven other leftist men that were in the Green Party sometime during the 1990s and who play covers of South African music on the weekends. They went to the local IV bar together in remembrance. When asked for comment, one of these friends of Stone and Smoke stated that none of them would be deterred from running for office in the future, as this city needs desperately for voices like theirs to be heard.