In shocking news, Belgium, a western European nation famous for waffles, chocolate, and its perpetration of several genocides throughout its history of being one of the world’s most evil nations, has joined South Africa’s case in the International Court of Justice accusing Israel of committing genocide in Gaza.
Following a 1948 cesarean section that brought the Zionist entity into this world, Belgium has struggled to be perceived as the world’s most evil nation, a title it had held dear since the early 20th Century. On a per capita basis, Belgium is able to claim that it has committed the most slaughter and theft of any country in the world having committed mass crimes on par with nations many times its size. (Our sources on this information: Flemish Nazis… probably)
Israel clearly threatens this perception, of which the Belgians we have contacted are very proud. Activist and self-declared mayor of Breendonk, Wout Wouters van de Baerdemaeker, gave the Jump a considerable amount of comment. Following a long reminiscence about his village’s direct facilitation of the Holocaust, Baerdemaeker claimed that it was a point of national pride for all Flemings that they had contributed so much to the suffering of “subhuman categories” around the world. His great-grandfather had made a fortune as a mercenary during Leopold II’s occupation of the Congo, his father had collaborated with “friendly” Nazi invaders during the Second World War, and he personally donates wealth accumulated from the family diamond mine to armed groups across Africa.
Baerdemaeker expressed dismay at Israel’s usurpation of this legacy of murder and violence. He told the Jump interviewer that while he is simultaneously a proud antisemite and supports Israel’s colonialism anyway, he cannot stand for Belgium’s grand history of villainy to be “interrupted” by what he calls “a pretender.” It was a difficult stance to parse through, even putting Baerdemaeker’s emails through a Flemish to English Yandex-powered translator, but we believe we’ve rearticulated it faithfully.
Whether or not this sentiment was behind Belgium’s new antagonism toward Israel, we cannot say for certain, but Baerdemaeker argued that every Belgian shares this sentiment deep down, some of them just try to hide it by making pointless gestures to repair the country’s colonial legacy. The country, having been made up by the French during the 19th Century, struggles with national identity granted its linguistic and cultural divides that split it in half. The liberals, he says, still feel in their hearts what it means to be Belgian: possessing an innate bloodlust, racism, and greed for others’ natural resources. These traits, he believes, can unite even the Walloons and the Flemings.
When the interviewer asked Baerdemaeker if he approved of Belgium’s moves against Israel, he couldn’t quite decide if he did or not. On the one hand, he approved of opposing Israel’s challenge to Belgium’s supreme evil by any means necessary. On the other hand, he couldn’t reconcile Belgian evil and Israeli evil, as he holds them to different standards and only considers genocides worthy endeavors if certain groups are the perpetrators and others are the victims. He said, ideally, Belgium would be tasked with occupying the entirety of Palestine and do as it pleased with the inhabitants. At 93 years old, he offered to personally lead his mercenary company if this were to happen and said that “I still have one last pillage in me.” Eager to get in on the bloodshed, he connected this hypothetical back to his vision of Belgian nationality, positing that such an assignment by an international body could be a unifying force for the Belgian people just as the Berlin Conference was in 1885.
Note: we assure our dear readers that no names or words have been made up for the purposes of representing Flemish language or Belgian people/places… it just looks like that.
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