Breaking: Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz is Relatable

Chancellor Justin Schwartz is down with the kids—not in that kind of way, of course, he would never… and recently visited Dr. Reiland Rabaka’s hip hop studies class and was pictured intently participating in class discussion.

Press made an event of this by taking some 600 photos from every angle of Schwartz thoughtfully contributing to what must have been every question from the professor. After class, Schwartz met with Dr. Rabaka to discuss defunding the Center for African and African American Studies.

Schwartz will be speaking on February 10th, giving a “State of the Campus” address to a select few members of university administration and only the friendliest student journalists. At the Jump CU, we meet neither criteria and will unfortunately have to cover the event from across Broadway. We are working on getting a very, very long boom mic because, as far as we understand, CUUF policy doesn’t prohibit this. 

While Chancellor J asks for student input on CU’s future, students who lend this administration their voices are evicted from their housing, denied access to food, and forced off campus. Diverse student voices are pushed obscurity at the behest of the university’s true partners, defense contractors and the Trump Administration.

Nonetheless, we look forward to further stunt work from the Schwartz Administration as it wages a campaign of artifice against the very real collapse of CU Boulder, academia, and American Empire. With the 150th anniversary of CU’s fabrication by the settler government, CU teeters over collapse as research funding dries up, admin’s commitment to the humanities disappears, and the football team continues to be “perennially shit”—as our sports desk puts it, having run out of ways to say it otherwise. With all resources dedicated to fostering a diverse community gutted to varying degrees, it’s easy to forecast a homogenous future in which the football team is still shit, and Schwartz will continue to do nothing about it.

Expect nothing from the Chancellor’s address, but feel free to join staff of the Jump CU at the bus stop across Broadway from the UMC because we will be needing a great many people to hold up the quarter-mile long boom mic so we can sample his speech for the Jump’s upcoming album: The American Species.