Category: The Jump CU
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UMC Installs TSA-Style Security System to Counter Rising Terrorism
To any closeted homies worried about their explicit photos being leaked by that guy they probably shouldn’t have given their mom’s Facebook friend list to… fear not: Montez Butts, director of the University Memorial Center, already knows how big your penis is. Without telling anyone, the UMC has installed 100 million dollar—or however much this…
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Breaking: Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz is Relatable
Chancellor Justin Schwartz is down with the kids—not in that kind of way, of course, he would never… and recently visited Dr. Reiland Rabaka’s hip hop studies class and was pictured intently participating in class discussion. Press made an event of this by taking some 600 photos from every angle of Schwartz thoughtfully contributing to…
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World News: Belgium Joins ICJ Case Against Israel… AGAINST Israel… And a Conversation With a Flemish Nazi
In shocking news, Belgium, a western European nation famous for waffles, chocolate, and its perpetration of several genocides throughout its history of being one of the world’s most evil nations, has joined South Africa’s case in the International Court of Justice accusing Israel of committing genocide in Gaza. Following a 1948 cesarean section that brought…
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City Council Candidates Murdered in Cold Blood by Terrorist Mob
After speaking for a combined four hours and seventeen minutes at a recent campus rally, failed Boulder City Council candidates Aaron Stone and Rob Smoke were stoned to death by a violent and dangerous mob consisting of members of the CU Boulder chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) and their terrorist supporters. A…
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CU’s Department of Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences Has a Plan to Avoid Trump Admin’s Ire
A beacon to the scientific prowess of the city of Boulder, the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) Mesa Laboratory proudly overlooks town from its perch beneath the Flatirons. Though it may appear to be just another one of I.M. Pei’s Minecraft bases scattered across the world, the Boulder NCAR lab is one of the…
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Devin Cramer Has Flash Cards to Keep Known SJP Members Straight
Investigative reporting at the Jump is of the highest caliber, so we asked the Buff Bot chatbot on CU’s “Division of Student Life” website what the “Division of Student Life” even is. It gave us an answer that was vague enough to apply both to your high school drug dealer and a volunteer pediatrician rescuing…
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Ralphie Retirement: The Truth
With the retirement of Ralphie VI at the beginning of this semester, a new era has begun here at CU — one of the few universities to have a live mascot program where animal abuse is not just permissible but traditional on a semi-biweekly basis. The running of the buffalo is quite a spectacle, and…
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DHS Has Deported One CU Student From Every Latin American Country and Puerto Rico
The Jump has uncovered shocking details on what appears to be some kind of “deportation bingo” being played by the Department of Homeland Security on CU Campus. One of our reporters was walking to class one day and overheard some men in hoodies discussing how there was only one Latin American country left on their…
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Study: 95% of College Leftists Don’t Know the Difference Between Marxism-Leninism-Maoism and Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Gonzalo Thought
Organizers and activists in the Boulder area are now being required to answer for the deeply disturbing revelations that have rocked the community ever since a study conducted the Jump’s Office of Statistics and Theoretical Circlejerkery uncovered that a shocking 95% of individuals active in leftist action campaigns were not able to cogently define the…
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Sports Desk: Frustrated by New Challenges, Coach Prime Picks Up a Disturbing Habit
By Ricky Monaco Really sad stuff coming from CU football, folks. Inside sources tell us that behind the scenes, Coach Deion Sanders has been far from the charismatic leader we know him as, giving into dangerous behaviors that could potentially be the undoing of one of the biggest stories in college sports these past few…
El Diario de la Gente 