In the Midst of Black History Month, Abraham Lincoln Once Said: Am Yisrael Chaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Justin “J-Dolla” Schwartz was back out there on Tuesday being an inspiration to other socially-challenged engineers by giving a speech in front of people. Problem was: the speech was utter dogshit.

Introduced by his best friend (apparently), Dr. Reiland Rabaka, Schwartz was on his home turf. With the land acknowledgement complete, everyone “grounded” and “reminded why [they] are here.” There were going to be absolutely no interuptions; a fleet of police cars was parked on the sidwalk outside the UMC just in case a homeless person stepped onto the premises and threatened Lockheed Martin’s shareholder value. And Boulder SJP’s terrorist wing was reportedly occupied in armed struggle with the Trostkyites… so they weren’t going to crash the party either. So with nothing at all to worry about, would Schwartz say anything useful? Of course not.

Sustainability and inclusion and wellness and diversity and sustainability and equity and equality and affordability and sustainability and wellness and sustainability were the vocabulary of Schwartz’s rhetorically-bovine grazing throughout a year of achievements by a university engaging in genocide, war-profiteering, enabling of ICE and the Trump Administration’s fascist regime. All this was relegated to a vague acknowledgement of current events… these “times of tension” over which this wealthy and powerful white guy has no control.

So full of ideas, Schwartz told everyone that CU was going to reckon with its past and uplift underappreciated perspectives, even calling the 150th Anniversary of the theft of the land this university is on a “grassroots” effort to collect stories. In the wake of CU banning Indian students from campus for daring to microwave seasoned food, Schwartz is committed to Diversity and Equity and Inclusion of people “across languages” and “across foods.” He outlined plans to outsource the construction of a new housing development to a private partner to address the housing crisis in Boulder that this university’s monopoly on land has played a detrimental role in causing. He lauded CUPD’s expanding K-9 unit for unprecedented capacity for violation of the 4th Amendment rights of Baker Hall residents. He spoke on AI and the pipe dream of reconciling it with the law and sustainability, and further congratulated his administration on keeping some of the Environmental Center intact, purchasing electric buses. Additionally, he will be expanding CU’s international appeal and “strategic partnerships” with a job posting for yet another Vice Chancellor of -Something- Affairs who will earn upwards of $270,000 a year to probably spend Friday afternoons with the Student Engagement Response Team making sure SJP terrorists don’t urinate on any of the landscaping. 

But his most central idea was for CU Boulder to continue to “generate ideas” itself, a truly profound statement in an age of AI-generated emails, censorship, and corporate-speak. Sharing ideas is important, he declared, as he actively erases the mention of Palestine from campus and permits no dissent from students advocating against the war industry’s pillaging of our university’s resources and talent. The irony writes itself as CU rolled out a massive contract with OpenAI to force all its students to pay for ChatGPT subscriptions, further subsidizing this relatively useless and highly dangerous technology’s undermining of society. What other contradictions will reveal themselves in the coming months? Who’s to even say… but stay tuned here for incredibly late analysis throughout the semester.