The Jump CU

Welcome to the CU Jump, the newest, funniest newspaper on campus, operated out of Muenzinger basement’s basement—room E0054, to be exact. The rattling door isn’t actually demons, it’s our very own Gutenberg printing press, screwing away at an Aramaic translation of Kapital. It’ll be a while before we can institute a print edition of this paper as a result (thanks for your patience).

We’re going to preface this statement by saying we definitely do not represent the positions of the university. Quite to the contrary, we’d go as far as to say we are directly opposed to many of said positions, or as we’d argue, lack thereof. CU Boulder is not merely devoid of comedy, jokes, and laughter, it’s an institution dedicated to suppressing all dissenting voices and uplifting only what is immediately profitable. Here, at the Jump, we’re going to take those voices seriously; there is no time or place to which free speech can be designated (we’re looking at you, free speech hour, 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. at the UMC Fountain Court). We’re going to indulge ourselves in what shouldn’t be an indulgence: silliness, we’re going to rhyme a little, because we have whimsy and we hope it all makes a couple people mad and a couple more laugh. So, don’t be a lump, read the Jump.

At least we hope you’ll read the Jump. We can’t guarantee anything. 

CU Boulder, again, does have a reputation for being unfunny. This is according to a survey conducted by us of its comedic output, which is notably 0, in whichever metric one measures this kind of thing. We hope to improve upon the legacy of our failed predecessors, whom we know, admittedly, very little about. We believe that this is a necessary space to occupy, and thus we shall follow in those shallow footsteps and maybe do better. We can guarantee we’ll consistently produce quality content with these points of trust, as listed below:

Points of trust:

1. We don’t have any editorial oversight

2. None of our dads have experience writing comedy

3. We have a mission statement

Hopefully, dear reader, you trust us now and we can get to writing. Let us know if you have any complaints, we don’t necessarily care. As a compromise, we’ll set up a mailbox somewhere and not tell you. Happy reading, and good luck finding it.